she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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