someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
