Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
We just shotgunned beers for America
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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