Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
