Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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