And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
