You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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