god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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