I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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