I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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