SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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