he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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