Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
