Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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