Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
