And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
