Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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