My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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