It's like a parade of train wrecks.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
