you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
