walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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