I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
