omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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