i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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