never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
