im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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