So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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