I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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