dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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