remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
