you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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