He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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