Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
