BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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