Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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