come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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