Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
