My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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