My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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