He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
