The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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