turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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