I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Randomize
