Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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