I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
