He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
