Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
