How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
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she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
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I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.