Soap is not a condiment
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.