Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
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I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
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Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.