# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
babies were throwing up all over the place
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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