After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.