You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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