I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
