I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
