I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
