Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
