dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
