i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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