Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
