you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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